On Texas

I have spent the majority of my life here, so I thought I would devote a post to this state.

IF you believe the stories, Texas is the home of: The first U.S suspension bridge. The largest herd of whitetail deer. The meanest rattlesnakes. The capitol of live music. Highest 24 hour rainfall record (43 in). More counties than any other state. Home of cowboy's and THE Cowboys, so I include the Cowboy Guide to life.....

The Cowboy's Guide to Life

• Don't squat with your spurs on.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgments.
• Lettin' the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
• If you are riding ahead of the herd, take a look back now and then to make sure it is still there.
• If you get to thinking that you are a person of some influence, try ordering someone else's dog around.
• Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
• There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is quit digging.
• Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.
• It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
• When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
• When throwing your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by someone else.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading, the few who learn by observation, the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
• My grandfather once told me that there are two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me try to be in the first group - there's less competition there.

You have never known fanaticism until you see a group of Texans watching the superbowl. And the fanatacism over professional football is equalled by the fan-fare surrounding high school football. A school game can cause traffic jams. Whole communities not only know their school fight song, they know, sing along with, and can do the motions for ALL the school cheers. People will choose their children's school (high school mind you, or even junior high--we're not even talking about college here) by the quality of their football team. I've actually heard of someone moving to another town so that their son could have a better football coach.

Texas doesn't just have a football season--they have a football culture.

You can usually bet A Texan is a Southerner, AS such the following are a selection of things they would never say--

We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of a bowl of gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Give me the SMALL bag of pork rinds.

Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.

I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

Checkmate.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Elvis who?

Even IF you don't live here, if you have ever visited, you know your in Texas if--

You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car . . .

You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water . . .

You can say 110 degrees without fainting . . .

You eat hot chili to cool your mouth off . . .

You can make sun tea instantly . . .

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron . . .

You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance . . .

Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one . . .

It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving on the streets . . .

You actually burn your hand opening the car door . . .

Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout counter . . .

A formula less than 30 SPF is a joke and you only wear that to go to the corner store . . .

Hot air balloons can't go (at all) . . .

No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car . . .

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear, "what if I get knocked out and lay on the pavement and cook to death"?

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Well that's all for now folks.....